So which is better ?  To be enlightened or to have wisdom.  To be clear they are not the same.  Wisdom comes from education and experience, to be enlightened comes from within.  A combination of both is what it takes to have a balanced healthy life. Without enlightenment wisdom is not as valuable. Enlightenment without wisdom is an oxymoron. How many times have we met people that are brilliant and yet they lack interpersonal skills that hold them back?  There are many paths to enlightenment.  The most traveled is the  “Intent” to have a better outcome in any given situation.  Self awareness I am convinced brings enlightenment.  When we quiet our mind enough to realize what works and what doesn’t we become enlightened.  When we stay so busy  so we do not have to analyze ourself the same problems crop up over and over again.  My Auntie Ann  was looking at my collection of books and was astounded at the amount of “self-help” books I had on the shelf.  I remember feeling a little embarrassed, only to realize later without those important books in my life I would probably still feel lost .  I gained the wisdom and insight from the books to change my thoughts and my habits in order to become enlightened.    More importantly the books helped  change my perspective about the world and myself.  The enlightenment came when I allowed for space, quiet and self reflection. The enlightenment happened when I began to see my world change around me.  The answers I received  encouraged me to take charge of the “hamster brain.”  I changed my thoughts and changed my life.

Common sense or book sense?  Street smart? All of these terms have meaning and purpose in our lives.  Over and over in life we will come across wonderfully intelligent people but what they lack in empathy and compassion  turns us off. They could be the ace student and best test taker in the world.  Unfortunately for them they can not relate in a way to our perspective. They lack what is commonly referred to as Emotional Intelligence.  They see the world in black and white.  Right or wrong.  Perception in life matters and it is colored by your own personal experience and not someone else’s.   When we put our self in someone shoes it helps to develop understanding.   Two people can be at the same place at the same time and have a totally different experience.  The reason is their history, their perception and self awareness.  Emotions are there to guide us to understand our self  better as well as others.

Self awareness has taught me a valuable tool that I use in my daily life. The 24 Hour Rule. I am a naturally sensitive person.  I cry easily for good reasons (tears of joy) and of course I cry for the bad. My kids hate going to the movies with me.  My sensitivity takes off the mask(strong woman) I carry as a shield.   I work in a man’s world where the playing field is not always fair.  This is something I had to get down to a science, to be able to level the playing field.  I did not want to have the “girl reaction” when things did not seem fair.  So this is how it works and I must say it is a emotional game changer. The 24 hour rule is when anger, disappointment, outrage and unintended consequences show up in your life at home or at work you give yourself 24 hours to respond.  If 24 hours is not long enough(usually is) you take a bit longer.   God I wish I had known this  when I started in business or even in my marriage.   Here is the thing, 24 hours takes the emotion out of the situation.   My life in general is less volatile and is more logical when the 24 hour rule is in practice.  This logic takes away screaming, stomping hissy fits.  This logic puts you back in control. A controlled unemotional response tends to catch the other person off guard.  It surprises in ways I find entertaining and satisfying.  When we truly take the time to analyze our feelings and a situation for 24 hours the urgency …to be right changes.  So does the outcome.  Emotional intelligence is a vital tool to bringing a path of least resistance.  The amazing Dali Lama refers to it as Emotional Hygiene.  What a catch phrase!  How is your emotional hygiene?   Have you ever even considered it?  Now let’s be clear.  There is a big difference between tabling a situation for 24 hours and sweeping it under the rug.  You must address the conflict.  Problems do NOT fix themselves.  When you address the elephant in the room, it turns into a mouse.   The biggest issues on our mind usually can get worked out if we have the guts to talk about them.  Some may call it a confrontation, I call this adult conversation.  Especially when you take the emotion out of it.  The 24 hour rules work.  I have shared this strategy with many and they all come back to me and say “you know what? This makes sense.”

Emotional intelligence tells us when the time is right to address the elephant in the room.

I clearly remember at 25 years old I was confused, I thought by now I should be clearly married and well on my way to living the perfect life.  For goodness sake I was 25 and thought of myself as practically an old maid.  I got into the wrong relationship for the wrong reasons. I had been struggling with my father’s alcoholism for as long as I could remember.  I took my then live in boyfriend to meet my dad.  It was midday.  He was already drunk and it was barely 12:00 in the afternoon.  I was embarrassed and hurt .  He knew I was bringing him by.  Why could he not drink this one time?? Why did he already have to start? Why because he was an addict, that is why .  Our parents are our first teachers.  To witness the self sabotage from the time you are 8 or 9 years old  enlightens you.  The experience teaches you what you do NOT want to be.  Addiction in any form is self sabotage. So here is the thing,  that day at 25 started my journey on path to self discovery and awareness. I had pretty much been lost until then.   I found the courage to address the elephant in the room.  It came after  crying myself to sleep for about a week.  I got down on my hands and knees literally and prayed to God and asked for a cure.   I wept like I have never wept before and when I was spent …I went and spoke to my Dad.  I told him he either wanted to drink or to have a daughter but he was not having both.   Miracle beyond miracle or divine intervention…  He quit!  Cold turkey.  It scared me and gave me strength. He did not go to AA, he just quit.  When I reflect on it now I wonder if that was all he was waiting for .  Someone to actually tell him to stop.  By this time a lot had happened.  My dad had basically lost himself to the booze.  He had a beautiful wife, three kids, all the opportunity in the world and yet he choose to love his addiction.  By the time he woke up, it was too late. His spirit was broken.  He knew he did it to himself.  I learned a lot from my Dad. I learned people can change.  Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.  I also learned that we are all human, even though we think our parents are super hero’s.  I really am not sure what caused the pain to drive him to have the addiction.  I just know that addiction is caused from self hate and not self love.  I wish I would have had the courage to ask, for that too would have brought enlightenment.   It has been almost 30 years since this took place and as I sit here and blog there are tears streaming down my face.  My dad deserved the forgiveness. He stole my childhood, but he tried to make up for it. His addiction was a disease.  He was able to take stock and stop the insanity.  At his core he was a good man.  A loving man, a generous man.  I miss him still. I addressed the elephant in the room. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  In the end I got my Dad back. He walked me down the isle at my wedding.  He saw my kids. All of this helped heal the pain of loosing him so many years ago as a child.

Enlightened or wisdom?   I am enlightened about addiction because I lived it from a very early age.  No book could ever teach me the ramifications of it. I have compassion and understanding because for probably 15 or so years I lived it.  So many things show up in our life to teach (enlighten) us.  Instead of being bitter or angry or in denial it is my hope that we  learn and understand what is really going on.  I love the quote by Jane Fonda, “we are not meant to be perfect, we are meant to be whole.”

This blog is dedicated to anyone who has ever had addiction take over their life for a period of time.  Namaste